Do You Suffer Or Struggle With Thoughts Of "Who The Hell Am I To...?"
Updated: Aug 22, 2021
My self esteem and sense of value have been impacted greatly by the verbal, emotional and physical abuse I've gone through. It's like my mind still runs those old programs from the past. Where I was constantly told or reminded of everything I did was wrong, or not enough. It started to take on it's own voice within my head, like a resident within chattering and scolding me. I have had such a deep rooted sense of guilt, shame and humiliation, that has brought about an unshakable sense of unworthiness, undeserving and a big sense of being incapable. Which always brings about a strong sense of “Who the hell am I to…. Xyz” Whatever xy and z may be at the moment.. Whether it’s, “Who the hell am I to be given a position of upper management?” or "Who the hell am I to be able to thrive and enjoy life?” or how about “ Who the hell am I to run a business?” Or “Who the hell am I to be of any value in any way?” This was, and at times still is, the undertone of my inner chatter & self talk. Like an unwelcome gift from the trauma and abuse that insists on berating me.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? When we are verbally and mentally abused, or have constant exposure to these repetitive judgments and harsh words thrust at us all day every day, it does tend sink in, wanted or not. We tend to take it as truth, not because it is the truth, but via the frequent exposure and constant repetition. Especially, when done at a young age, as a child we do not have the ability to discern what we are told, we only take it as the truth, at face value. When this comes from a parent or someone we held in high regard, it holds more weight.
Thankfully, I have learned to recognize it, and address my inner voice, and in doing so, I learned to move through it, and resolve it. It is a daily challenge to work through your triggers, this is why it is important to know what they are, so you can interrupt that pattern, and replace it. Begin to question your inner chatter, stand up and confront it. Shut down that critical harsh voice within you. It is not true, just old programming that needs to be cleared out. The good news is, if I can do it, so can you!
Never give up hope. If what your doing is not working, find another avenue, or route. Self healing unfortunately is not one size fits all. It is personal and individualized. What works well for one person is not necessarily the right tool that will have same impact for you. A perfect example of this is what coping mechanism that works for your anxiety trigger, may not necessarily work for your unworthiness trigger.
I have spent years exploring and experimenting with different tools, creating a new mindset, redirecting and correcting my internal dialogue, when necessary and learning valuable skill sets to help me through. Some were very beneficial and had fast results, while others took more time putting into practice before I could see/feel the results I wanted. This is why it is important to add multiple options and choices that you can draw upon when you get triggered. What is important to know is that it takes you personally practicing and implementing them to find out which has the biggest, and the most effective impact for you. This is why it is great to have many different tools you can apply to resolve these issues within when they come up for a visit.