How I Got Started
My Story And The Journey That Has Brought Me Here
What is it that fuels each and every one of us in this world? For me, it is 'Begin Healing The Shame Within'. My life from the start has been interesting to say the least. I have suffered a multitude of abuse and trauma.
I have lived in turmoil both within my neighborhood, as well as within my own home. I have been a survivor of mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse, and became a victim of a couple crimes as well. Both of these crimes involved me being held at gunpoint. I was lucky to have survived these physical events, but again the emotional trauma that was buried and seared within me, lingered. Which only added another layer, that led to panic/anxiety attacks... Imagine that.
My neighborhood was extremely rough. It was a hotbed for crime, you name it, we had it. All right outside of my front door. If that was not enough to live in a high state of alert, there was also the additional layer of trauma brought on by my father. He was very aggressive and abusive mentally, verbally, and physically. It all became real one evening when my father tried to kill my entire family when I was very young. These memories left deep emotional scars. The trauma that haunts me has damaged my nervous system and how I respond to life. It impacted my self image and my internal dialogue as well.
My true saving grace was my Mom. She was my rock. Even in the midst of all this daily chaos in our lives, she taught us about perseverance, and unconditional love. She was the only source in our life that we could count on for stability and happiness. She also fostered us with a sense of hope, that all was not lost. We were her whole focus. One of my fondest memories is how over the years growing up, she was always creating her own silly songs to help distract and engage us in something that was much lighter and fun. Doing whatever she could to support us and provide us with a space of love and laughter. I am beyond thankful for that influence and unconditional love, I do not know where I would be, or even who I would be, if it wasn't for her.
After the birth of my child, I was flooded with suppressed memories of sexual abuse. Which all made it hard for me to find a sense of wholeness, well being, or even a sense of worth or value. It became hard to function day to day. Some days, trying to resemble a normal life became such a struggle. Literally a living hell. The majority of the time I would be so exhausted from fighting my internal battles within myself. Fighting demons, from the abuse and trauma that had scarred me. It was impossible to give my all or my full attention to anything outside of my safety and well being. I was constantly busy internally, putting out these fires. Which did not leave any time or energy to feel free, safe or calm. As I was emotionally and physically bankrupt. How can I invest any time into living my life, when all of my energy and focus was on my safety and survival? The accumulation of trauma from these events have given me some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms, as one would imagine.
I learned first hand the importance of reframing my inner talk, my self image and my beliefs. Along with the importance of doing so in the right context. Not from a place of feeling broken, or damaged, but from a space within where I am creating healing, acceptance and wholeness.
My whole life's purpose has been to heal myself from all that I have experienced in life. I have grown tired of living my life in fear, anxiety and shutdown mode, as it was not working. I needed progress, peace, stability and sense of well being and worth in my life. To reach a point of feeling safe within myself, my own body, my family and my environment wherever I am at. The effects of abuse and trauma run deep, the more experiences,exposures & traumatic events one has lived through in their life, the more the person tends to adapt unhealthy, unnatural habits and patterns to cope with them.
If you can relate to any of these patterns, you have come to the right place, my intention is to create a safe environment for those who have also experienced any of these unfortunate events. This is a community here for people like you and I.
Let’s all stop hiding in the shadows of fear, shame, guilt and humiliation and step out into the light onto a path of peace and wellbeing. Because you, yes, you matter! You are welcome here, you are not alone nor do you have to go through this alone. Know that yes, you can find your way to healing and peace, if you are willing to take the journey within. Shall we begin?