Updated: Aug 22, 2021
For those of us that have suffered either physical or emotional abuse from the hand of another, please know that you are not damaged, broken or less than. You were not the cause of it, nor did you deserve that type of mistreatment or abuse. Unfortunately, you were the one who had to endure it. Which in most cases, leaves us with misunderstanding that there is either "something wrong with us" or feeling like in some sort of way, "I must have done something to deserve it." We make up scenerios in our heads, and try to excuse away their misbehavior. We try to justify why they treat us so poorly. What we fail to remember, and put into logic, is that their bad behavior and misactions towards us, is never even about us, it is about them. PERIOD. Their abuse placed upon you and directed towards you does not, nor will it ever DEFINE YOU. It defines them, and their ugliness and flaws that they harbor within themselves.
It is their own energy and feelings and attitudes inside of them that thy are disguisted by, and try to rid themselves of, but are in denial and project it onto someone else. The abuser will tend to thrust it outwardly, and smear it on us, and try to blame us for their actions and behaviors. These are not your flaws, nor are they yours to carry or be held accountable for. The flaws and anger and abuse and mistreatment they project onto someone else does not belong to you. The shame and embarrassment when combined with our own unwillingness to see that person's true nature makes us feel like we are somewhat responsible for their outbursts. Because we are attached to them, and do not want to lose that person, we excuse their poor misplaced behavior and instead see it as, or take it on internally as our own flaws or shortcomings.
We need to find a way to really be willing to look at the abuser and hold them accountable for their own actions and behaviors, instead of embracing them as our own faults that cause that type of treatment towards us. The flaw is in our thinking, which until recognized, will only continue to allow the mistreatment and abuse cycle to continue. It is vital that we find a way to release that wrong mentality, so as not to internalize it, or use someone elses behavior or mistreatment of us as a guage or sign of your value or worth. They aren't.
Remind yourself often that the one who carries and expresses that type of energy, attitude and mentality (the abuser) is the one who has that ugliness & damage living inside of them. You were just an outlet, an easy target that they used to dump all their anger, frustration, rage or cruelty onto, whether physically or verbally. It is a definer of their true nature and character as a person. It is not something that is born or harbored within you. As you were not the source or birthplace of their anger and rage, just the recipient of it, so under NO circumstances, are you the one responsible for it.
If you can allow yourself to conceptualize this, it may be the turning point you need in no longer accepting or tolerating that behavior in your life. As seeing this nature and ill intent on their part is a clear indicator that person (the abuser) is not someone you need nor want to continue to keep in your life. Do not allow anyone access to misplacing their harsh, violent energy and anger towards you. After all, it is a choice in who we keep in our lives or inner circle. Time to give yourself not only the permission to walk away, but the freedom to have a safe loving environment in all areas of your life. Everyone deserves that. Learn to not just walk away, but run away as fast and as far as you can!! Self preservation is vital, and your life, or your children's lives, may just depend on it.